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Dear friends,
please join me in this online discussion on topics related to parenting, motherhood and raising a family. Feel free to visit my web site www.sportofmotherhood.com.
Gen
posted by Gen @ 10:42 AM
24 Comments:
I see parenting as a sport - not a competitive sport, but an endurance sport. You set reasonable and manageable objectives, train for each objective and slowly increase the pace. Little by little, you learn to find time for your personal interests as well as do more with your family. Make sense?
At a recent talk for the Golden gate Mothers Group in San Francisco, I was asked to explain my Minimum / Bonus strategy. I thought I'd share this with you, since it has helped so many moms throughout the years.
If you pick a realistic weekly MINIMUM that you can meet, you can maintain your goal week after week. Additional goal time that exceeds your weekly MINIMUM is BONUS. You can apply the Minimum/Bonus strategy to any goal such as writing, gardening, weight-loss, learning a foreign language or research. I will use fitness for this example.
I could not get motivated to run after having my first baby. I was slow and carrying around baby weight. Running was no longer fun but a depressing experience. My husband, a former professional athlete, suggested that if I worked out 1xWeek, that it was better than 0 times. If I worked out 2xWeek, that second time was BONUS. I needed to get consistent first and keep my weekly minimum. Keen helped me to start with where I was. This was the origin of Minimum/Bonus, and I have used this strategy ever since.
The Minimum/Bonus Strategy has helped many moms get started and maintain a goal. Pick a weekly minimum that works for you. My fitness program is now 3xWeek. Whether kids are sick or I have a lot of work, I can always work out 3xWeek.
Another mom finds working out 1xWeek to be not enough, so she works out 5xWeek but for shorter workouts. This makes working out manageable for her and helps her keep her weekly routine.
The key is consistency. If you consistently work out and meet your realistic minimum, you will get or stay in shape and be healthy. If your weekly minimum is too high, you are setting yourself up for failure. Pretty soon you feel discouraged and have lost your momentum. Remember, once you start and get moving, it is easier to keep moving.
Whether you meet your weekly minimum or go beyond it to Bonus, you are successful. Sport of Motherhood is all about pacing for life while leading a full life. Setting a realistic pace helps you succeed!
Suzieq,
Yes, I am saying that we can pace for life while leading a full life. By keeping long term goals in mind, we can prioritize AND edit our schedules while keeping perspective re. some of the interim mile markers.
Genevieve
Suzieq,
Sounds like you have "hit the wall," which is also known as mile 18 in a marathon. At mile 18, a runner has to get past "a wall" or time where he/she feels stuck or exhausted to keep going adn finish the race. In parenting, moms and dads hit walls on a regular basis.
Since you seem to be stuck,try to take a step back to get some clarity. Here are some training suggestions re how to:
1. Regain perpective - Keep in mind that developmental phases do pass
2. Get past the wall - get creative with positive reinformcement. Use a marble jar (add a marble for good behavior) or sticker charts to encourage good behavior. The reward can be a family outing on weekend or movie. Pick something reasonable.
3. Utilize the team - explain that you are a team and everyone does his/her part. If she minds (be specific about which rules - just focus on a couple not a bunch), then the team wins and there is more fun time toghether. When she does not mind, there are clear consequences that mom and dad enforce. Immediacy helps. The threat of going to bed 15 minutes earlier or implementing a rest time is an effective tool even with a 7 year-old.
Hope that helps.
Genevieve
Topic: Post-vacation low-energy
I just returned from a road trip with the kids and was bone-tired for a few days. Though I knew that I would be tired upon my return, I did not expect to be that tired. It was more about "Re-Entry" into my life again.
When I get away from the daily pace of life, I can have a hard time re-entering. It does not mean that my life is too busy, it just takes a few days to get back into the swing of things. I always have to remind myself of that at the end of a trip --or else my moms or a freidn reminds me:-).
Stepping away also helps me to assess and re-prioritize. As I talked to both working moms and stay-at-home moms post-vacation, I heard the same themes: "re-entering life, adjusting, getting used to the schedules again, and feeling out of sorts." Some of the full-time working moms felt particularly harried due to a full work week. They then packed something in on the weekend so that eveyone felt like they had "had a vacation."
I have found my stride again but it took me a few days longer to get fully back. During that time, I help myself re-charge by: renting a movie for the kids and for me, reading a mystery, taking a nap or two, and editing our schedules wherever possible. I also revived by laughing about re-entry with fellow moms - they just helped to put it all in perspective.
How about you? What do you do to recharge?
I just returned from a 21-mile training run in the mountains and thought about your question along the way. I think each mother needs 2 water bottles: 1 for parenting and 1 for her. Raising kids is both wonderful and challenging. It is also life-giving and exhausting. The parenting water bottle might be 1-1 time with kids or good old fashioned family fun, be it playing board games, taking a trip to the beach, or having dinner together. Moms also need to re-hydrate themselves and a personal water bottle will mean something different to each mom. My personal water bottle involves time with my husband, a weekly long run in nature, a good laugh with a friend, and something that taps my passion, which would be the creative aspects of putting together and running Sport of Motherhood.
Jennnifer, I think that you are alluding to the need for a personal identity too. We are both mothers and individuals. It is easy to lose touch with what makes us a tick as we meet the needs of family, work and other responsibilities. Many moms tell me that there are just not enough hours in the day. By carving out and protecting one hour a week for personal interests, a mom can recharge and honor that pre-kid or post-kid part of her. An hour a week is manageable. I believe that we need to keep growing alongside our kids and keep the SPICE in our lives.
Dear sfmom,
I love this kind of question because it stumps so many of us at times. How do you get back on track after you have been derailed? Assess your current status. Not the status of 3 weeks ago when you were rolling along with your plans. But now, after you have had the flu in your house. You are probably still tired and feeling a bit behind. If kids missed school, there was make-up work. If you and your husband were sick, you had to drop some or many balls.
Now start small. You just need to begin again. Cut back your weekly minimum goal time to 1 hour a week. Focus on only one of your SPICE goals. Try this for a few weeks. If you consistently go above your minimum, then after 3-4 weeks, raise it by an hour. Once you start moving, you gain momentum. If you expect to jump back into where you left off, you are more likely to give up or get down and out.
If you still have trouble, call an accountability buddy or a friend to check in weekly. This can give you the push you need. Don’t forget to log in your goal time on your calendar so that you can see your progress.
You can do this! Keep it up.
Genevieve
Do you have something on your mind re. your teen or pre-teen? Do you have a story to share?
I am about to do a Live, Call-in “Sport of Motherhood” TV Show this month on teen issues and crisis situations. Topic: “Get Your Head in the Game: Red Flags Pointing to Troubled Teens.” Guests include: Dr. Philippe Rey, Executive Director of Adolescent Counseling Services; Bat-Ami Klejner, Family Therapist; and Stacey Archbell, Seasoned Mom of 2 Teens. I would love to address your question or concern – on the show. Just send a blog!
Thanks.
Genevieve
To answer this question, I interviewed one professional and one seasoned mother:
1. Family Therapist Bat-Ami Klejner recommends: “I believe the best way is staying connected. Watch their movies or TV shows and talk about it. Don't be judgmental but feel free to express your thoughts. Kids listen if they don't feel threatened. Empathize with the challenges (they make it sound so cool on TV or I bet is hard when everybody has something and one person does not)and share some stories from your childhood.
Ultimately, parents have the right to say no to what they consider unreasonable requests. They may fight it but most of them understand the reasoning behind it. I know this because in my office I hear from the teens (what they don't tell their parents).”
2. Another seasoned mom of 2 teens and a pre-teen had this to say:
“I think the biggest anti-PH syndrome defense is being a bigger part of your kids lives, (by showing interest and sharing ups and
downs,) than the peers. I believe most people just want to be loved, and if they don't get enough from home, and some need more than others, they will get it from being accepted by peers.”
Some food for thought.
Genevieve
Dear Kate,
You can approach this 5-year-old and 7-year-old sibling dynamic using a couple of strategies. The first has to do with recognizing a pattern, and anticipating rather than reacting; the second has to do with getting grounded.
1. Anticipatory Approach: before the playdate, remind your older daughter that she needs to be nice to her sister afterwards. If this does not work, then she may need to take a break from playdates for a bit. Explain that if the playdate has an aftermath, it takes a toll on the family.
Anticipate: perhaps give older sister some transition time upon re-entering home. She may have just played with an older girl and may not be in the mood for younger kid antics. (There is a big jump between 5 and 7 years.). Can you pull out a puzzle or story or do something special with younger sister at this time? Also try to catch the older one being good to sister and praise, etc. - the old catch them being good idea.
2. Getting Grounded Approach: I do a workshop on developing a parenting game plan so that you and your family are on the same page. If you do not have a “Family Game Plan,” you can set one up.
What are your top 3 values or priorities in your family? You (and your partner) can pick from a number of values such as Kindness, Integrity, Love for Learning, Perseverance, Tolerance, Courtesy, Generosity, etc, but Respect for Self and Others can be in there somewhere.
Now talk to your kids about why these top 3 values are important to your particular family. You can also set up top 3 family rules which then allow you to make decisions quickly. For example in our house an issue over honesty outweighs “dawdling.”
If you emphasize Respect and Kindness, you can bring up how it is important that your 7-year-old is kind to her younger sister and treats her nicely at home and in front of her older friends. You practice at home what you take out to the world. If she treats her younger sister as a pest, her older friends will follow her lead. How would she feel if it were the other way around? Does your 7-year-old really want that for her sister? Probably not.
Hope this helps.
Genevieve
I think we scare our children if we box death and grief up and leave them at the door. The week my mother-in-law passed away in her home, she had a house full of family around her. Some of us had flown in from different parts of the country to be there with our families. We had pulled our kids out of school to fly there knowing that we could be gone for a week or a month.. My son wanted to say goodbye to her one more time. How could we not honor that? This felt “important.”
One day some of the adults were standing around the kitchen, quiet, talking or crying and a slew of young kids (my children and their cousins) entered laughing and giggling. My brother-in-law turned to me and said “how nice to hear children laughing” despite death at our door. Children promise the future.
Each day of the last week of her life, my children kissed their grandmother, and told her they loved her, a few times a day. Then they went off and played with their cousins. The kids told us about their feelings and asked us about ours. At the time my kids were 1,3,6 and 8. The 6 and 8 year-old “got” what was happening. The 3-year-old did not “get” it all but knew enough to hug and kiss. The 1-year-old brought a joy to the house just by being her age. She also epitomized the cycles of life. An hour after she was born, my 45-year-old sister-in-law passed away.
Through the week of my mother-in-law’s passing and the week afterwards with the funeral, in-laws and out-laws came together. We circled the wagons. The kids mostly needed to be reassured that we were not going to die anytime soon. It was also okay for them to see us a bit broken up so that they could give us a hug and a kiss . . .too. The deeper conversations need to stay with the adults, but I think we do our kids a favor by bringing them in on how we handle the spectrum of emotions. It is not always easy and they benefit from knowing that.
The end-of-school year rush is upon us: Teacher Appreciation Week, performances, end-of-season celebrations, science fair projects, school reports, and work deadlines. Whew. It is enough to make my head spin.
Right now I have to take the family calendar and my own workload one day at a time - to keep my momentum and regain perspective. Otherwise, it is easy to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. Like my kids, I have "summer fever."
I am mindful of getting enough sleep, exercise and protecting family downtime to keep me feeling grounded and us feeling connected.
How do you handle the seasonal madness? Are you good at saying no?
Are you a work-from-home mom? Through my interviews and my own experience, I find that working from home is very rewarding but can also be a bit lonely at times.
I would not trade the flex-time that I get by working from home. I can schedule meetings around a field trip, playgroup, or school assembly. I do communicate with my team via email and find that my 1xWeek work events offer connection and comraderie.
I miss the connection most when I am working towards a deadline. Excitement and adreneline are involved along with a bit of anxiety. Even in college and grad school, you could have "term-paper madness" together, whether or not you were in the same classes. Somehow the world made sense when you had the deadline rush together.
Sometimes though, I'd love to go to a chat room with other moms who work-from-home to talk about the work/family/life juggle and laugh about fencing work, meeting deadlines and carpool schedules, and, in my case, having an unbridled passion for a job that is also a calling in life.
Your thoughts?
I am working on developing a thicker skin. This is challenging for me because I feel things deeply. I put my heart, soul and mind into each of my presentations and events. I know that my material will NOT be for everyone, but I also know that many find value in it b/c they tell me so in evaluations, follow-up emails, notes, and phone calls. I can also see their eyes light up when they get the philosophy of Sport of Motherhood or connect with the material or shared stories in the room.
The other day out in the middle of a talk, a woman got up and left - looking ticked off. She also gave me a terrible review. I was crushed. I always try to learn something from constructive criticism because I know that I am a work in progress – just as we all are; however, I could not get past her words and her tone. I could not get perspective because there is a part of me that cares so deeply about each talk, each show, each column.
Fortunately I was able to go to my husband and a couple of trusted friends. They helped me move on by their doses of perspective and their belief in me and in what I am doing. Meanwhile, so many amazing things are happening with Sport. I feel like I am shoring up my strength, stamina, and resources for an even more challenging but fun ride.
Have you had to develop a thicker skin? If so, what do you do to let negative attacks roll off you? I'd sure love some tips.
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Pressure and Perspective:
My Sport of Motherhood Cable Show just won "Best Live Show" in the Hometown Video Festival, a national festival. Exciting. Yes. It was def a group effort from the guests who were engaged and so very real to the 9 person crew. I am supposed to fly to Boston for the ACM International Conference and Trade Show to receive my award and see a clip of it up on the big screen.
I tape my next show in 2 days and suddenly I am nervous b/c of the award. Pressure is on! In order to regain perspective, I am training my mind to go to the positive parts and the fun part of the production - which is actually all of it. I have to let go of the results. I will do my best and that is enough. If I get hung up on the results, I will operate in a realm of fear vs. freedom. Not for me.
If I also just think about making sure my guests are comfortable on the set and drawing out their message, tips, and tools, I take myself completely out of the picture. This always eases my nerves. The show is not about me but about helping or entertaining someone else. My guests are on the show for a reason. They can inspire others with how they tackle challenges, utilize support networks, find humor when the going gets rough, pursue a passion, or how they manage the work/family juggle.
I am well prepared for each show, and so I need to relax into the idea that once again, I will give this upcoming show my best shot. By addressing my fears in this blog, I already feel better. I just have to get my head in the day and out of the future. Does that make sense?
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Dear Happydad,
Sounds like you are a very thoughtful husband. I assume you tell her how much you appreciate what she does and like to hear her appreciate your part in the team. Perhaps your wife seeks a bit more balance between who she is as an individual and as a mother.
By interviewing over 200 moms and understanding my own developmental timeline, I think that the spark of who we are can dim under the motherloads of laundry, dishes, financial stress and responsibilities. It is up to us moms to rekindle the spark in the midst of raising our kids. Even just 1 hour a week, every week, of personal goal time can do the trick.
When a mom stays at home with her kids, she finds rewards within the family but can also miss the external validation that a job can give her. Since the laundry always needs to be washed and the house picked up, sometimes a personal linear goal thrown into the mix can help with self-esteem and create a sense of accomplishment or completion. Her personal goal could involve: training for a walk-a-thon or half-marathon; taking a photography, art, writing, history or computer graphics class; or joining or starting a book club.
By you supporting her at home for a bit of personal time, you are showing her that you value her as a wife, mother AND as an individual. She can then put that energy and enthusiasm back into her family in spades. She can also gain a bit of perspective regarding her contributions at home.
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Start of School Year is Bittersweet.
Fall is here and moods are swinging. I am surprised by the emotions I feel at the start of the school year. I cannot believe how fast my own children are growing up. It is easy to stuff my feelings with busy days and work deadlines so I have decided to devote this blog to addressing them. I have already heard a number of moms talk about the loss and gain they feel at the start or close of a school year. I think it is because we are happy for the kids to grow but know that they will face more complex situations and issues as they get older.
My oldest, Keen, is already in 5th grade. The other kids in his class look so big . . . and next year he heads off to middle school. Right now he wants to talk to me, and enjoys my attention. In just 2 or 3 years peers will probably become the priority. At some point soon he will need to push back to become independent. I know this. So I keep our weekly board game night and hope that he will come back to me if just to play board games since it is a family routine and something that he enjoys.
Lenox just entered 3rd grade. She looks and walks like an older kid now. Confident, athletic . . . where is my little girl? She and her older brother have a great rapport. They “can play complex games together,” according to Keen, and have “older kid” conversations that intrigue me. I often just watch, listen, and laugh. Very different from the “Why conversations” of the earlier years. There is already new lingo and songs unfamiliar to me that weave in and out of their conversations; I’m aware of how much outside influence there is in their lives.
Underneath the laughter, I also feel a tinge of . . . oldness creep in. I am passing the torch on to my children. They are vibrant and so full of life. In contrast, I am weathering – and slowing down a bit. I will turn 40 this year, have lots of grey hairs, and am getting quite a few wrinkles. I am not saying that I am old, but I am aging. The plus of being in my late 30’s and early 40’s is that I have also found some fulfilling work – but that is another story.
My 3rd child, Madeleine, just started Kindergarten, and is finally with her brother and sister at the elementary school. She was ready to go to their school last year and happily asserts her break from me. She will absolutely NOT hold my hand at school. I understand, but feel a bit sad about it.
The theme for me seems to be that my babies are growing up. I love the new ages and stages. I love how they play together and how my husband can come home and play tennis with the 3 older ones. I love that we are just about to get more mobile and can do the family bike ride with 3 on bikes and only one in the carrier. I love my new free time because I too have grown alongside my kids.
My 4th just started pre-school. She seems so big these days as she tries to keep up with her siblings. On the first day of school, she told me to “go away mom.” She was fine. A big girl. I laughed. Good for her. But her 2nd day of school, she was not as sure of herself. She was not even sure she wanted to go to school and was a little weepy. She seemed so little again. She had a good day but is reserved at school. Not herself yet. It will take a little time to adjust.
As I go about my day, I carry these emotions with me. The start of the school year seems bittersweet. Yes my children are bigger, but I also don’t want them bigger – sometimes. As they settle into new homework and activity routines, and sort out friendships, I have to settle in too. So I take a deep breath and understand that this is emblematic of the push/pull of motherhood. It helps me to identify my feelings and allow them to bubble up so that I understand this particular season of motherhood.
Dear Gen,
How do we keep our kids, ages 5 and 7, in their beds at night? They come out to "tell us something" (then take their time coming up with that something to tell us) at least 5 times before they fall asleep, and then come in with bad dreams or stuffy noses in the middle of the night. I can't remember the last time we go to sleep through the night without visitors...
Tired in San Francisco
Dear Tired in San Francisco,
So many parents hit this wall with bedtime and wonder if a solution is possible. You want the kids to feel heard and want to comfort them when scared – but you and the kids need sleep! Maybe some of these collected tips from moms and dads in the trenches can help. Take what you want and leave the rest:
1. Re-gain Perspective. This sleepless-visitor stage will pass. One dad said, “I’m a deep sleeper so I don’t view kids coming in bed with us at night to be a problem. I like the fact that the kids want to be near us for security because I know it won’t last forever.”
2. Manage Fatigue. Make the time to get some sleep in another part of the day. Take a short nap in the day when kids are in a rest time or at school, OR go to bed earlier so that you can handle the interrupted sleep at night. This is about pacing yourself for the day and the week by taking into account the current challenges.
3. Tools: Use Carrot and Stick. One parent recommends the carrot and stick approach. Define your “carrot” for getting to bed earlier. An extra story or extra song is an easy reward if the kids are in bed by a certain time. The “stick” is NOT adding that extra story. You can also try a visual such as a sticker chart or marble jar. A marble in a jar or a sticker on a chart are the reward for a “successful” night. Be sure to clearly define successful to your kids. Start where you are. If they come in 5 times, shoot for 3, then 2, then 1, then 0.
4. Tools: Adapt Bedtime Routine. Begin bedtime routine15 minutes earlier to allot for extra talk time. Remind your kids that that this time is for the “one more thing.”
5. Tools: Utilize a Clock. Put a clock in their room. Show them when bedtime routine begins, ends, and how the extra talk time fits in. One mom likes “to use an egg timer for brushing teeth and getting into pajamas time. It keeps them moving along.”
6. Tools: Be Firm. Use a more no-nonsense tone of voice after kids tucked in. Play time and talk time is over. Reinforce that they had that special time earlier.
For those stuffy noses and scary dreams at night, a little TLC, a lovey or stuffed animal to comfort the kids, and the knowledge that this too shall pass can help get you through the night. Hope this helps. Keep us posted.
If you have any other tips and tools that you’d like to share on this familiar topic, please write to me at Gen@SportOfMotherhood.com.
Sincerely,
Genevieve
posted by Gen @ 11:20 AM
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